In a recent coaching call, someone admitted:
“I’m too chicken to ask for referrals.”
Heads nodded around the Zoom room. Sound familiar?
You’re not alone. Asking for referrals can feel awkward — even intimidating — for many professionals. But here’s the truth: if you’ve delivered great work, asking for a referral isn’t weird. It’s one of the smartest, most sustainable ways to grow your business.
And yes, you can get better at it.
The Simple Truth About Referrals
Referrals come down to three steps:
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Do great work.
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Ask.
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Say thank you.
If you’re already delivering great work, you’ve checked the hardest box. The challenge is learning how to ask — clearly, confidently, and consistently.
Train Their Brain: Use the RAS to Your Advantage
Ever bought a car and suddenly started seeing that model everywhere? That’s your Reticular Activating System (RAS)at work — the brain’s filter for what matters.
Referrals work the same way. When you make a specific ask, you help train someone’s RAS to notice the opportunities you’re looking for.
It’s the difference between asking for “anyone who needs help” and saying:
“I’d love to meet a business coach who speaks at local events.”
Specificity doesn’t shrink your chances — it sharpens them. It helps people actually see what you’re asking for.
A Referral System That Works:
Six Steps to Help People Help You
Let’s make this practical. Here’s a six-step framework to generate more referrals and make it easy for others to refer you.
1. Be Credible
Show up consistently. Do what you say you’ll do. Your network needs to trust that you’ll reflect well on them — because when someone refers you, they’re putting their reputation on the line.
2. Share Knowledge
Don’t assume people know what you do or who you help. Regularly remind your network who your ideal clients are, what you offer, and why it matters.
3. Identify the Need
What problem do you solve? What are the “referral trigger phrases” someone might say that indicate they need you?
Examples:
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“We’re struggling to get more leads.”
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“Our branding just doesn’t feel right.”
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“I wish our website actually converted.”
4. Teach People How to Refer You
Be specific: Should they introduce you over email? Hand out your business card? Send someone to your site?
When you remove the guesswork, you increase follow-through.
5. Give Referrals
Referrals are often reciprocal — not because people expect payback, but because generosity is contagious. Be proactive in making connections, even when there’s nothing in it for you.
6. Say Thank You
Always. A short note, a small gift, or even just a warm message of appreciation helps keep the goodwill going. Gratitude is a referral accelerator.
Likeability Builds Trust — Faster
You’ve heard it before:
“People do business with those they know, like, and trust.”
But here’s the twist — liking someone often comes before trusting them.
Research shows emotional connection builds trust faster than familiarity alone. So, take the time to build real relationships:
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Ask about people’s families, hobbies, or goals.
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Be curious, not just transactional.
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Offer support beyond business.
People refer people they genuinely like. Start there.
Pro Tip: Time Your Ask With a Testimonial
One of the best times to ask for a referral? Right after you get great feedback.
Say something like:
“Thank you — I’ve really enjoyed working with you. If you know someone else who might need help with something similar, I’d love an introduction.”
It feels natural because it is.
A Simple Email Template for Asking
If you want to ask by email, here’s a light-touch, low-pressure message you can customize:
Subject: Quick favor — no pressure!
Body:
Hi [Name],
Hope you’re doing well! I’m reaching out because I’m looking to connect with [ideal client type], and I thought you might know someone like that.
If anyone comes to mind, I’d be so grateful for an introduction — and of course, no pressure if not.
Thanks again!
— [Your Name]
Simple. Warm. Easy to say yes to.
Final Thought: Keep Showing Up
You won’t get a referral every time you ask — and that’s okay.
But the people who get the most referrals? They’re not the slickest or the pushiest.
They’re the ones who stay visible, keep showing up, offer value, make specific asks, and express gratitude.
So if you’re hesitant, remember: You’ve already done the hard part — the work.
Now it’s time to ask. Then say thank you.
